Peter Beinart's Anti-Zionist Passover Remarks

As a Jew satire

Apr 10, 2025

Welcome to The Liberal Jew’s Passover special! My loyal readers know that I have dragged ‘As a Jew’ Peter Beinart extensively in previous articles. Since his recent piece on Purim blaming Jews for the oppression of the ancient Persians went viral, I decided to take the liberty of ghostwriting his statements on Passover. Enjoy (and you’re welcome,

Peter Beinart

Passover is a holiday during which we Jews recount the story of our freedom from our ancient Egyptian enslavers. We also recognize the sacrifices that our prophet Moses endured to lead us on the road to the promised land that is definitely not Israel. But lest we forget that we oppressed the Egyptians, too. That is not a theme present at most seders because Zionists control the production of most siddurim.

I’ll start with the 10 plagues. Moses asked God for the 10 plagues as a way to oppress Pharoah and his people. Let’s take them one by one, and I will explain the extent to which each was a war crime on the Egyptians only made possible by the Zionist Hebrews1 (not the Jews quite yet because no Ten Commandments at this point) telling God what to do:

BLOOD: Zero consideration of the numerous diseases that get transmitted through blood and could infect humanitarian-journalist-doctor-children just trying to document these plagues.

FROGS: Probably the least offensive one, since I self-identify as a toad.

GNATS: A Hebrew invention intended to disrupt the food supply to Egyptian babies.

FLIES: See gnats above, same idea.

DEAD LIVESTOCK: Average Egyptians aren’t Pharoah, what did they do to deserve losing what was probably the most valuable asset they owned? This was clearly an attempt to inflict a famine on ordinary Egyptians.

BOILS: A skin disease bio-engineered by Zionists.

HAIL: Since we know that the Hebrews controlled the weather, this one was basically expected.

LOCUSTS: Again with the insects? Why a third plague involving insects? Were they running out of ideas?

DARKNESS: Why does God get to control Egypt’s electricity supply? Clearly he was running Egypt like an open air prison.

DEATH OF THE FIRST BORN: the innocent Egyptian first born children did nothing to deserve that. This definitely would still have happened had Pharoah allowed the Hebrews to go free at any point during the previous 9 plagues.

After Pharoah surrendered, the Hebrews began their journey in the desert to freedom. But if Moses was such a great leader, why didn’t he tell his own people to wait for their fucking bread to rise before they left? It’s because of him that for thousands of years now we have all collectively suffered by forgoing delicious baked goods for eight whole days every year. DAMN YOU, MOSES!

The last part of the story is the hardest for me emotionally. It involves Moses’s control over the Red Sea (is that the one that today’s “from the river to the sea” folks are yelling about? I can’t remember). When the Egyptians realized that they were the oppressed party in this situation, they employed non-violent resistance by chasing after the Hebrews as they began their exodus from Egypt with their inedible unleavened bread (now known as matzah). When the Hebrews saw the Egyptian resistance fighters gaining on them, they begged their leader Moses for a solution.

Moses then parted the Red Sea so that his people could safely cross it—but he parted it for the Hebrews only. He didn’t stop to consider that closing it after the Hebrews crossed would kill numerous Egyptians. He didn’t stop to think about how this tactical decision might affect Hebrew-Egyptian relations for millennia to come. He just closed the sea, killed numerous innocent Egyptians, and the Hebrews celebrated. Even God, who gave Moses this power, was upset at this reaction. As it says in the Midrash: “God said to them, 'My creations are drowning and you are singing before me?'" It’s no wonder the Red Sea is under siege by Yemeni terrorists today; they are clearly avenging for what our people did in those sacred waters.

I refuse to buy into the construct Passover is by definition a Zionist holiday. I am uniquely enlightened of the fact that Passover is actually a celebration of our people’s genocide against the Egyptian people, so equating these events with a Jewish state just means that Zionism is by definition cruel and immoral.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to take my penis enlargement pills (placebos). Since I do not dare say “Pesach sameach,” I will close instead with, “next year in Palestine.”