The Loneliness of Being a Liberal Jew
The last year has changed the way I view my religion and relationships
I grew up in a predominately Jewish community in a mid-size U.S. city. My parents both emphasized the importance of the religion in a historical/cultural sense; my sister and I were required to attend Hebrew school (I still resent my parents for making us go 3x/week to that torture), and we both had B’not Mitzvah. We also attended public schools with significant Jewish student populations due to the demographics of our district. For those of us who grew up as liberal/secular/progressive (whatever term you want to sub for it) Jews during that time, what I’m describing is a pretty typical upbringing.
When I entered adulthood, I was determined to leave this somewhat sheltered community and experience a more diverse environment. As a higher education professional committed to educational access for all, I always thought it best to live in the communities where I was working. From post-grad up to now, those were always urban majority-minority communities. I liked it that way, and still do.
I prided myself on having friends and colleagues from all kinds of backgrounds. We attended college, campaigned for Bernie Sanders, and explored Latin America together. I felt sophisticated being able to socialize with anyone regardless of where I found myself; actually, I thrived on it.
That all came crashing down after October 7th. I wrote about this grief shortly after.
After engineering my social circle in a way that made a lot room for non-Jews, I began seeing the unfiltered opinions of people whom I had known for years on my social media feed — people I believed to be my friends. I’m sure they did not mean to direct any of it to me personally, but it very much felt that way.
They believe that being anti-Zionist and being antisemitic are two completely different things, and then have the chutzpah to tell Jews that they should understand that.
They say they love their Jewish friends while simultaneously accusing the Jewish state of the worst crimes that humanity could commit — crimes that Jews have actually been victims of in the past (i.e. genocide).
They felt it appropriate to blame Israelis for Hamas’s coordinated massacres — which involved sexual assault, beheadings, and civilian hostage-taking — as soon as 24 hours after they happened, and proclaim that a real humanitarian would do that too.
In the weeks following, I desperately tried to rationalize this behavior. I thought maybe I was being over-sensitive. Like if someone posts #freepalestine on their social media, is that really that bad? It’s just simple virtue signaling. What’s so harmful about calling for a ceasefire? If I dropped them based on our differing beliefs on this issue, would that make me just as bad as the antisemites who would do the same with me? Maybe it was up to me to educate them on the facts.
Now that many months have passed, I view it all somewhat differently.
These people can just fuck right off.
Perhaps I am now at the “acceptance” stage of grief.
Lately I’ve been spending time with one of my best friends from childhood, who decided to become Orthodox as an adult. She is currently raising 4 children in that community. And that community is strong. There is always someone around to talk to, to watch your kids, or just to hang out with. It’s completely socially acceptable there to visit your neighbor’s home unannounced, with your 4 kids in tow. Perhaps most significant (to me): there is no tip-toeing around where you stand when it comes to Israel or your Jewish identity. Judaism is never a subject to be avoided or downplayed in the service of certain relationships — in fact, it’s mandatory.
Let me be clear: I have no desire to change my own beliefs or to become more observant than I already am. I enjoy the freedom to travel, eat, and socialize as I please without the dictates of traditional religious rules. I am never going to to change my own values or deny myself experiences just because others refuse to acknowledge basic facts.
I now think about what my ancestors felt living in 19th century Eastern Europe that at best tolerated their presence and at worst wanted them gone. I truly wonder if they shared the same fear, sadness, and betrayal from their fellow citizens that I have experienced since October 7th. Then again, maybe they didn’t — they probably weren’t as naive as I was about outsiders. And in shtetl life, I imagine they didn’t have many non-Jewish friends.
Up until now, I lived my own life with the idea that my generation of liberal Jews was free. Free of restrictions, free to do as we pleased without religious interference, free to develop relationships with others outside of our community as a way of enriching both our lives and the lives of others. We could do all of it while keeping our own relationship with Judaism completely intact.
That view was not rooted in reality — it was a delusion on my part. And I am just now learning to live with the loneliness of it.
Most excellent piece. Having grown up under Communism, I was much less of a Jew than you (simply because atheism was the state diktat and no religions were tolerated) and at the same time much more of a Jew than most - because my mother z"l survived 3 years of Auschwitz. I was lucky enough to live in Tel Aviv for 9 years (though the circumstances that brought me there were tragic) Being an Israeli, speaking Hebrew, observing the holidays made me a lifelong Zionist even though I would have no idea when Passover begins if my "shiksa" wife didn't remind me 😁
I wear my IDF hat with pride, have a large I STAND WITH ISRAEL bumper sticker on my car and fuck anyone who doesn't like it. My parents were right: every guy is an antisemite - some just don't know it. (of course that's an exaggeration - but with a hint of truth)
עם ישראל חי 🇮🇱 Am Israel Chai
I don’t know if this will help, but I hope it will. I evolved into a progressive/leftist decades ago. For many years, I shared the basic leftist attitude about Israel/Palestine, which was, more or less, I don’t approve of Israel’s policies toward Palestinians but it’s the country and leadership I have a beef with, not Jewish people.
I never felt any conflict there. I had a few Jewish friends whose attitude about it was more or less the same as mine. I had a more conservative Jewish friend who worked for B’nai Brith and disagreed with me strongly, but he was always gracious about it and I never felt he had any sense that I was anti-Semitic.
When October 7 happened, it was just so sickening that I felt like I had to re-evaluate my position, which had always been pretty superficial. I did not anticipate the progressive response, and I was shocked by it.
I had already been at odds with younger progressives over various other issues in recent years, but this was the last straw for me. For the record, I still have objections to Netanyahu, so my position hasn’t changed in a huge way, but I feel like Hamas really tipped their hand on that day. Mostly my empathy is for the people of both countries, and my support for Israel’s policies is perhaps lukewarm, but I’ve purged myself of the kind of reflexive anti-Israel thinking I used to have. I don’t want anyone to confuse me with the kind of people who are treating you so callously, and while I’m not conservative, I can’t align myself with progressives any longer.
Sorry for all the detail, much of which you maybe don’t need. But I’m going somewhere with this.
If your social circles are mostly liberals, and i imagine mostly younger people than me— I’m almost 60– I can see how you might be feeling like the left, or even non-Jews in general, are against you and don’t want you here in America.
But I suspect that while people who’ve become more anti-Semitic over this are common in your life, they are by no means the norm or the mainstream. I only encounter people like that online, and I assume that a lot of people have had a similar arc to mine. You have a right to your anger, and I hope it helps you get through this. But those people have an exaggerated sense of their own importance, and an understanding of the conflict that’s much more superficial than mine was in my younger days. Whatever they may think about Jews, or about you, they’re a small part of America.
My feeling is that progressive thinking has really taken a wrong turn in the social media era. I want to believe that this has peaked and is shifting, and my 20-year-old son, who lives in a college town where younger people skew left, tells me that from his observation, things aren’t nearly as bad as they appear to when I’m on social media. He believes the pendulum is swinging, and that outside of a core of diehards, young liberals are becoming impatient with the kind of excess that led to this wrongheaded reaction to October 7. I hope he’s right.
I hope this makes you feel slightly less lonely. I don’t want to suggest that my experience is anything like yours, but the woke psychology is largely about finding people who don’t share your convictions and trying to make them feel lousy. I’ve been the victim of that behavior many times, despite being liberal for almost 40 years. Many longtime liberals I know tell the same story. I don’t think any of this will ultimately pay off for the left.